God, I need silence. Anything. I need to get out of here. I feel like I'm dying. Really. It's like a panic attack over a long period of time that won't stop. 

Shakespeare is relevant, you ignorant little prick.

This really pissed me off (paragraphs 1 & 3): http://alexevans.net/?p=624

Paragraph three didn't bother me as much, it's just an asshole thing to do and I was kind of that kid who wrote out as many characters as I could remember even if they only asked for two.

On to my point:

I really don't understand how anyone could say that Shakespeare isn't relevant anymore. Yeah, most of the specific events don't happen anymore but thematically, they're still very relevant. I'm not very eloquent when I'm irritated or mad so I'm not phrasing this all as well as I'd like but really, take Romeo and Juliet for example. People don't usually get married that young anymore and that in the part of the world that we live in, arranged marriages seem antiquated and have become something we only see in movies, but the idea that Romeo and Juliet truly believe that they are in love at that age and are willing to do anything to be together is still very relevant today. Everyone who has gone through middle school or who has been between ages twelve and sixteen (generally speaking) has had a romantic interest that they really felt they would die to be with or at least (and less dramatically) they imagined marriage or being with that person forever (or for a very long time), even if it meant giving up something that meant a lot to them. It's not irrelevant at all. And in Measure For Measure (as the boy was talking about), Lord Angelo is no different from a corrupt politician or someone who has been put in a position of power with a firm set of morals but struggles to keep thought and action separate. Othello also gives us many themes that are relevant in modern society. Othello is often referred to as a Moor, which is a comment on the color of his skin and his affection for Desdemona is turned around by Iago, possibly the greatest villain ever written, who manipulates just about everyone in the play to create an enormous tragedy with no clear motive. These themes and ideas are relevant, either in our own lives, or in entertainment.

And to the comment about English being simplified today, it's not really much simpler than it was before and if you take away the complexity of any piece of poetry, literature, film, art, or form of creation, you take away it's beauty. Even the things that are beautiful because of their simplicity. Without the complexity that we are so accustomed to, the simplicity wouldn't be beautiful. Beauty takes effort to create and to understand.

I could go on but I'm rambling and will eventually make myself sound like an idiot (maybe I already have) so I'll stop now but I'm very bothered. I know the kid has a right to his own opinion but as someone who loves Shakespeare, it really bothers me that someone would be so ignorant. He says he's never even read any of Shakespeare's work (aside from the excerpt from Measure For Measure that he was "forced" to read). How could he possibly know that it isn't relevant if he's never bothered to read it?? And does he not realize how many of Shakespeare's plays and ideas have been adapted and integrated into books and movies and television series clearly displaying their relevance today??

Apocalypse?

If there was an apocalypse and sometime in the future they found a record of it, when would it say the world ended? Cuz there are different time zones and as Charlie Brown says, it's already tomorrow in Australia.

This and that and a secret as well.

I'm on tumblr now.
http://amelioooo.tumblr.com

I posted a poem...
It's unfinished but I suppose I'll post it here too.
Let me know what you think.

I have a secret
That no one can know
You’d too soon believe it
If I told you, so

I’ve got a secret
I won’t spit it out
You may have guessed it,
What this is about

I have this secret
And I’m so afraid
I’m hoping maybe it
Will, over time, fade

I hate my secret
It drives me insane
Can’t keep it in, it
Will still feel the same

Its not a secret
If anyone knows
I can’t seem to let
Reality show

This is my secret
It won’t be for long
But I can’t say it
It might come out wrong

I have a secret
That no one can know
It isn’t time yet
To let my secret go.

Things that occurred between June 15th at 8:00 PM and now (June 16 at 2:12 PM):

Made delicious cookies
Dropped everything mid frosting because of a tweet
Had people over for the first time since my birthday (March 1)
Fit four people spooning in my bed
Ate breakfast in the middle of the night
Successfully surprised Annie (birthday)
Made it to Sarah's house in 22 minutes
Got caught staring at Alex's chest
Watched 101 Dalmatians
Spooned some more.
Ate breakfast again
Nearly died several times in Alex's car
Bought Annie an Anthropologie dress
Confused and tortured Annie while she was blindfolded (included driving in circles, locking her in the car, chasing her around the parking lot, unzipping her dress at inconvenient times, pretending to leave, and honking)
Had a tasty picnic.

Also, the sun is shining. It has been a good couple of days.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I don't know what's wrong with me or why I'm so fucking grumpy or whatever this is that I'm currently feeling but I hate it.
I'm constantly exhausted and I feel stressed even though I have nothing to be stressed about.
I want to punch everyone in the face right now and I don't know why.
Also, I miss my friends.
Fuck me.

Free verse

Something I just spit out at 3 am.
Tell me what you think?

What would I say if I told the truth?
What would they say?
What would you say?

It would change everything.
You. Me. How we interact.
That's a fact.

What would happen if I stopped lying?
If you heard what I think
If you saw how I feel

Maybe I'm cold and emotionless
Maybe I feel too much
Maybe I'm wrong

Maybe this face is the one you like best
The one that's most comfortable for you
The heaviest for me

Maybe my eyes don't twinkle anymore
My lips in parenthetical wrinkles won't move
Maybe I don't feel anything anymore

This is my life, it's all one big lie
There's not one ounce of truth
In this nightmare of mine

I'm awake in a dream
It gets progressively worse
And I'm dreaming again

I'm falling again
Trapped in a lucid prison
And I woke up without the key

It's a secret, you see
The way that I am, the things that I feel, the truth and the real
These things that I say mean nothing at all

Just the ramblings of nothing, nobody.
All the poets spout words, signifying nothing
Dripping in meaning that hasn't been found

They were somebody
Getting it all out but no one understands
We look for the truth

Finding ambiguity instead
Running lines through our heads
Getting frustrated by meaning that doesn't exist

Stripping the words bare and breaking the syllables
We do it to people too
Searching for an underlying meaning that doesn't exist

This is it
This is all we have
That is not what I meant at all.

Senior Trip

Senior trip was excellent.
One of the better three days of my life (I think).
Really, I'm so glad I went. All of my doubts and worries from my last post are entirely obliterated.
I think I was content/happy for most if not all of the three days and had no concept of time

The final tally:
3 days of excellence
2 days of water fights
2 nights of sleeping under the stars
1 EPIC mud fight
1 shooting star (my first)
1 Sparta kick (from Alex)
1 content Amelia
And countless amazing people

More happened but those were kind of the highlights.

It's kind of odd and lonely being all home and alone and clean and such.
Seeing people tonight and my sister comes home tomorrow!!!!

All in all I've had a wonderful week and I assume next week will be wonderful (and bittersweet) as well.
Off to watch Some Like It Hot and clean.

//A.

Senior Trip

So I'm leaving on senior trip today.

I don't know whether to be excited or full of dread because there are definitely some people that I do not want to see.

I'm also feeling more and more self conscious and disconnected from most of the people that I know and it worries me a bit. 

Hopefully I'll overcome whatever bullshit is bothering me and have fun, even though I currently appear to be a lobster.

In Kafka's words, "As Amelia Miyuki awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, she found herself transformed in her bed into a monstrous lobster."

LOL.

K off to shower and get on a bus full of people I feel uncertain about.

Wish me luck.

//A.

Finished?

I finished high school yesterday.
I can't believe it. I graduate in thirteen days. All I have to do is waste time until then.
I also can't decide if I'm happy or sad. I'm relieved for sure, but there's a lot that I'm going to miss.
This blog is going nowhere.
I'll write about Kafka sometime soon.

//A.

A question...

In 'Fever 103', Sylvia Plath says

"I am too pure for you or anyone.
Your body
Hurts me as the world hurts God."

Do you think the world hurts God???
Explain.


//A.

Mythology is great.

Hello.
I've kind of been neglecting this blog because of school. I've been trying to do work so I can pass and graduate and go to college.
As a result, I've been doing homework.
And when I haven't been doing homework, I've been watching movies and films (yes, there is a difference)
I've also made a few videos. Watch them: http://youtube.com/amelioooo
I'm at school now during a free period and I think I may go outside to read psychology because it's beautiful and sunny out and I would really like that...but I think the grass might be wet...tricky.
But yes.
I just barely took my Shakespeare and it wasn't awful but my essay was pretty much shit. I don't know when my German final is and then I have my psychology final on either Wednesday or Thursday and my Bible as Lit final on Thursday.
And then I'm done with school.
My stomach just got all happy feeling at that thought.

I'll write a better blog soon, probably about Kafka because he is amazing.
That is all, mythology is great.

Also, this basically sums up how I feel 99.99999999999999999999999999999...% of the time

//A.

Foxy foxy...

Hello.
Happy notsohappy Tuesday.
Most people who saw me yesterday/today know that I watched 'Transformers' for the first time recently and enjoyed it a lot.

Reasons why:
Lots of action and robots fighting
Megan Fox

Can haz girl crush?
Indeed.



She's not a very talented actress and we all know she's only cast because she's nice to look at but I mean really, who would object to that working on their car?
I'm sure everyone is sick of me talking about Megan Fox, I'm sick of talking about Megan Fox, but she's effing hot and there's really no stopping me once I've started. Sorry people, I'll try to refrain.
*I still like men and Zooey Deschanel. Just saying.

Anyway, I'm going to go watch The Notebook and sob and then go to bed.
Yeah.

//A.

Tulips//Movie v. Film.

Tulips
Sylvia Plath

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.
Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.
I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly
As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.
I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.

They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff
Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.
Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.
The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,
They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,
Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,
So it is impossible to tell how many there are.

My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water
Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.
They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep
Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage
My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,
My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;
Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.

I have let things slip, a thirty-year~old cargo boat
Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.
They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.
Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley
I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books
Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.
I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.

The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.
Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe
Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.
Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.
They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down
Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,
A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.

Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.

Before they came the air was calm enough,
Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.
Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.
Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river
Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.
They concentrate my attention, that was happy
Playing and resting without committing itself.

The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.
The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;
They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,
And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes
Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,
And comes from a country far away as health.

I don't really want to go in to a huge analysis of the poem because I think that might ruin it.
To me it's a beautiful poem full of lovely and puzzling things.
Maybe they're not lovely to you but I think they are.
Maybe I'll watch Transformers or Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
One's a movie, the other is a film.
Today is boring, I don't have much else to say.

//

Art [05.10.09]

Larger image here.

13 hours of scratching. Probably at least another 13 before I'm done.

05.07.09. [Thursday]

Things I've Accomplished Today:
1. Woke up
2. Finished my German and psychology homework
3. Spent three hours in art
4. Finished the skull and started the ribcage (art project)
5. Got ink all over my fingers
6. Said smart things in psychology
7. Watched an episode of Bones
8. Had a cry
9. Had a nap
10. Had breakfast for dinner
11. Nearly vomited.

Now I'm off to miss Bones, watch a film, and go to bed.
I'll try to make a video soon.

No good, very bad day.

Today
wasn't
good.

Nothing huge, but little things went wrong making me upset and sad. So bible took for ever and Keli wasn't there so I was all alone in the back and it was not fun and then in psychology, we found out that for the past (and only) four tests that we've had, my group has done the group portion wrong so we're nearly failing and he didn't bother to tell us until today. We have one test left. Cool. Then I started feeling ill in the middle of the day and around the same time, I found out that my last lacrosse game wasn't actually rescheduled and was still today which meant that I would have to miss seeing Thao Nguyen's show tonight which I've been looking forward to for such a long time and it was sad. The rest of the day was mediocre and we had an interesting but irritating (mostly because of C. and T.) discussion about art during Shakespeare. Then we went to Park City for our game and we all played like shit which is not how I wanted my last game of lacrosse to be and I cried like three times during the game because I was so sad it was over and then I cried a bunch at the end because it was a shit game and it's the last one (I've cried for the last three games in a row because I was so sad it was ending). For those of you who don't know, I turned down like four college lacrosse offers to go to art school. So after tonight, no more lacrosse for Amelia. Sad panda. I cried the whole way down from PC to Sandy (for those of you who are not native to Utah, that's like a 35 min drive) and I found out that I missed Lex's BlogTV show (a rather minor detail but it just added to the heap of shit). Later, I went to Panda which helped a bit and then I listened to The Beatles with my windows down on the way home which helped a bit and my friend Madeleine who knew I was having a rough day sent me a very nice (and somewhat cliche, but it's so hard to be nice and not say something that could be cliche so I don't care because it was nice) text which made me cry because it was nice and now I'm home watching YouTube videos. Dr. Noise aka. Bill Martin just posted a new song that is REALLY great so you should go listen to it here.
I think I'm done whining now.
If you read this, leave me a comment.

//Amelia

Hotel 626//Thao//STATS

SO...
Second post today, what do you think???
This is what happens when I REALLY don't want to do stats...sort of.
So I was introduced to this online game called Hotel 626 (http://hotel626.com) and fuck me, it scares the shit out of me.
IF YOU PLAN TO PLAY IT, THIS IS THE LARGE ASS RUN ON SENTENCE WHERE I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS....IN OTHER WORDS, SPOILER ALERT!
Basically, there are like ten levels (some of them are just like videos of rooms or hallways) and you're in a creepy ass hotel and creepy shit happens like you have to take pictures of this girl in a bathroom type thing but it's all dark and every time you click the camera, it flashes and she screams and runs around and if you don't get a picture of her, you die and then you're thown down a stairwell or you have to sing the spawn of the devil (or just a creepy child, take your pick) to sleep and then you have to get out of the room without waking it up (nearly effing impossible) and then you're dragged down a hallway and you get stuck in a room with a crazy man and you have to decode some shit to get a code to get out of there and then you're in a room with pictures and you have to find your picture (there's a time limit) and then it asks for your phone number but you don't have to give it and then you get directions to escape and you do and you get to your car and you think you'll be okay and then something pops out of the back seat and kills you. Cool. I only beat like 3 levels. I'm not skilled. And it gave me fucking nightmares. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and thought I was in the dark bathroom thing with the creepy lady and I got really scared and had to turn on all of the lights and watch Dan In Real Life until I fell asleep. Not good times.

Like an idiot, I played it twice (once today, once yesterday). Fuck, I'm cool.
Anyway, now I'm paranoid and driving to my grandma's house was really scary cuz I thought the creepy thing was going to pop out and kill me from the back seat and now there's bad weather outside which sounds suspiciously like the noises that the game makes and I'm scared so I'm listening to Thao Nguyen (and the Get Down Stay Down) which is nice because I'm going to see her on Tuesday with Sam and so that will be lovely. If you're in the area and like good music, you should go. I'm excited. But I'm also not excited for Tuesday because that's the stats AP and I am nowhere near ready. Cool.

Also, tomorrow night is senior night for girls lacrosse (so Whitney, Meghan, and I) so if you go to my school, please come and support cuz no one comes to our games, even though we are finally starting to play like a team and I will probably cry. Cool.

This blog post has either mini half sentences or run on sentences. I'm actually kind of okay at grammar, I promise.
Until my next procrastination attempt,,,,,,,,
//Amelia

Do I dare to eat a peach?/I eat men like air.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
T. S. Eliot

Lady Lazarus
Sylvia Plath


To most people, these poems have little to nothing in common, save for the mention of Lazarus.
To me, they have everything. I had my first exposure to these poems (and the poets who wrote them) about a year ago and they have stuck with me thus far and show no sign of leaving. When I read The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot, I spent a good deal of last May and June obsessing over the poem, tasting the words over and over again, trying to understand them, and and although I still don't understand most of it, I love it more than is healthy. I realize now that this is why I love the poem so much. I love it because the words are beautiful, even though I don't understand them. Particularly the line "Do I dare to eat a peach?" because it makes no sense to me at all. It's beautiful, and delicious, but I do not understand it, and that is why it stays with me. Although Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath has also possessed me since I first read it, it is for an entirely different reason. I understand every word, I understand the point, and I have felt it. I love it for that and because the words feel right in my mouth and they have a haunting aftertaste once I've spit them out. I also love her use of the number three and the extremes that appear in every poem that she writes. While I understand the majority of the poem, I do not understand the last line, "I eat men like air." Unlike the Eliot poem, I have an intense desire to understand it. I do not know if it is because I have never read the story of Lazarus and do not understand the reference, or if it is just something where I'm more of an idiot than everyone else and I haven't thought of it yet, but it stays in the back of my mind until something calls it forward, bringing meaning and understanding with it. However, please please please do not tell me what it means.
I don't like to say things like this, but I think I may love The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock more than I love Lady Lazarus because there are so many Plath poems that I like as much or better than Lady Lazarus but I'm not sure. But now I have to go learn Stats by Tuesday.

In a nutshell, I love things that don't make sense...with the exception of Stats.
//Amelia

Your body hurts me as the world hurts God.

SO.
Ignore the total and utter shitty nonsense of the last post (from like 5 min ago).
I forgot that I had something to say. How does that happen?
ANYWAY.
I was reading through Ariel by Sylvia Plath (published after her death by her douche bag ex husband, Ted Hughes) and I came across this poem in the "extra" section in the back:

My Mother by Frieda Hughes
They are killing her again,
She said she did it
One Year in every ten,
But they do it annually, or weekly,
Some do it daily,
Carrying her death around in their heads,
And practising it. She saves them
The trouble of their own;
They can die through her
Without ever making
The decision. My buried mother
Is dug up for repeat performances
Now they want to make a film
For anyone lacking the ability
To imagine the body, head in oven,
Orphaning children. Then
It can be rewound
So they can watch her die
Right from the beginning again.
The peanut eaters, entertained
At my mother's death, will go home,
Each carrying their memory of her,
Lifeless — a souvenir.
Maybe they'll buy the video
Watching someone on TV
Means all they have to do
Is press 'pause'
If they want to boil a kettle,
While my mother holds her breath on screen
To finish dying after tea.
The filmmakers have collected
The body parts.
They want me to see.
But they require dressings to cover the joins
And disguise the prosthetics
In their remake of my mother.
They want to use her poetry
As stitching and sutures
To give it credibility.
They think i should love it-
Having her back again, they think
I should give them my mother’s words
to fill the mouth of their monster,
Their Sylvia Suicide Doll.
Who will walk and talk
And die at will,
And die, and die
And forever be dying.

Needless to say, after that I was kind of like "let me pick my jaw up off of the floor and punch myself in the face for being one of those people that you are disgusted by" (The poem was written about the BBC making a film about Sylvia Plath called 'Sylvia' and the many people who idolize and remember Plath for her suicide and not her work)
After reading the poem though, like the horrible Plath obsessed girl that I am, I had a dreadful urge to watch 'Sylvia'. From the poem and from what I'd heard, I kind of knew the film wouldn't sit well with me, but I had to watch it.
So I watched it last night. It was the largest waste of two hours ever. It was inaccurate and at times completely wrong and as much as I enjoy Gweneth Paltrow, she's no Sylvia Plath. In the first hour of the film, everything that needed to happen before her suicide (Marrying Ted, attempting suicide, having children, getting published, etc.) had happened and the second hour of the film was spent showing how Ted Hughes cheated on her and later left her for one of his students. The film also made it seem like that was why Sylvia committed suicide. While I don't personally know Sylvia Plath, I am fairly certain from what I can get from her writing that that is not the sort of thing that she would kill herself over. It may have been what pushed her over the edge, but it is not the only reason she committed suicide. They also mixed some events from The Bell Jar in with the film but she wrote that before she met Hughes and her roommate was not living with her when she met Hughes. She didn't even kill herself right. I know that's an odd thing to say and I'm making myself sound even more like one of the people that Frieda Hughes talks about in her poem (But they do it annually, or weekly...The decision.) but Sylvia Plath stuck her head in the oven and turned on the gas. In the film, she closes off a room (tapes under the doors and closes the windows) and turns on the gas. Same concept, but not correct. The things that they did well was they showed how much she cared for her children (despite what Lesbos may suggest) and they accurately showed her closing off the room in which they were sleeping after preparing them butter and milk. They also detailed her suicide attempts relatively accurately. Little known fact: Ted Hughes's mistress and later second wife killed herself the same way that Sylvia Plath did (sticking her head in the oven) but she was careless and did not prepare the house for the event and the gas killed both her and her two year old daughter. How horrid. Ted Hughes is a bastard.
Anyway, I am ashamed of myself for watching that film and it was a large waste of time and pissed me off for two hours. But I am satisfied that I did not enjoy it (I would feel like SUCH a horrible person if I had) and I'm happier just reading the poetry and taking what I like from it.

Sorry if you read that entire thing and didn't like it...
I just had to get that out.

//Amelia

Sure, let's do that.

Oh hi blog that no one reads.
It's been a while.
News??
Sure, lets do that.
So I got back from New York yesterday at like one in the morning. I was in New York to see my lovely sister and to see Pratt (the college I'm attending). Basically, seeing the campus was the final (I keep wanting to say nail in the coffin but that usually means a bad thing) thing in making my decision. Awesome. My dad made a fool of us all and was himself for the majority of the trip. Now it's Wednesday and I'm ill and I'm tired and my nose is running all over the place and blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm still really bad at this blogging business. I read Hayley's blog (http://hayleyghoover.blogspot.com/) and I'm like "EFF I'M SHIT AT THIS BLOGGING BUSINESS"...yeah. Oh well. I think Spring is here to stay (I hope) and I have my second last lacrosse game tomorrow. Sad panda. On the bright side, I get to see Hailey and Traci and Ali and all of the Park City girls that I haven't seen in ages and it will be nice. And sunny. And nice.
I need a tissue.
I have recently eaten my weight in saltines and as you may know, saltines don't weigh very much which obviously means that I have eaten a lot because the last time I checked, I weigh like 6000000 pounds. Tasty.
Excuse me for a moment while I blow my nose.
OH! Just a clarification for those (the 0 of you who read this blog) who may be concerned, as far as I know, I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU. I got sick from my lovely sister.
Okay, now that that's out of the way, I'm going to go eat some soup, take some Nyquil, and go to BED.
I get to miss stats tomorrow morning.
G'NIGHT LOVELY PEOPLE.


//Amelia!

MMMMETAL and prom and such.

Hello there.
Drastic changes from last post.
I'm in an excellent mood. I normally hate Mondays, but today it's very sunny and nice out and I've rediscovered my love for metal which is always a bad thing but it makes me so happy sometimes hahahaha. It kind of got triggered by the most recent episode of 'Bones' cuz that episode was all about metal bands and such but then I was hanging out with Jes on Friday and she put on some Chimaira and there was no going back haha.
So, weekend?
I did Day of silence on Friday which was cool even though my German teacher was a bitch about it and then after my (SHITTY) lacrosse game, I went rock climbing with the goalie from the team we played which was really fun but frightening because I'm scared of heights and I'm in bad shape so I'm still sore. (I just stared at this girl for like 5 minutes because I couldn't see very well and I thought she was someone else...oops) Saturday was prom/queer prom and both of those were not exactly my first choice of what to be doing on a Saturday night. I got talked in to going to my school's prom because it's my senior prom and the sentimental girl in me wanted to go but when I got there I realized that I didn't really want much to do with most of the people there so I left after about 20 minutes and Sam and I went to queer prom but I only stayed for like 40 minutes and that consisted mostly of Pablo and I searching for Colton. And then I went back to Sam's house and ate crepes then slept til 1. Then on Sunday I lazed around until 3 and went and did Sam's radio show with him which was fun and then we drove around looking for Chinese food and finally settled on Sam Pan and then we went to Barnes & Noble and I got a book that I've been wanting to read for a while. Then I went home and got a bit depressed and I downloaded/dug up a bunch of metal and that made me happier and I rewatched 'Bones: Mayhem on a Cross' which was nice but then I stayed up until 4 writing a TERRIBLE paper about Measure For Measure which is so poorly written. I really hope I don't fail. Now it's Monday morning and I'm exhausted but kind of happy anyway because the sun is out. I wish I had brought my ukulele today so I could play outside but that's okay.
I just got approached by my dean about queer prom...I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a lesbian now cuz I did Day of Silence and then went to queer prom...great. Oh well. I'm graduating in 45 days. I can't wait. Off to read in the sun now :)

//Amelia

To Whom It May Concern...

Just a heads up, this may not make a lot of sense, but I need to get it out somehow. The person this is to probably won't read it anyway.

I loved you for a year, maybe more. All but a few months were unrequited. After you told me the truth, I told you I didn't love you anymore. That was all a lie.
I used to call or text you whenever you came to mind or whenever I needed you. I needed you because you made me feel special and important and necessary. I don't do that anymore even though so many things make me think of you.
It still hurts when you talk to me but I can't do anything about it because I want you to want to talk to me.
[This one is a secret, but maybe it'll show up somewhere else.]
You have made me so much of who I am today that I can't not think of you and it kills me.
I want to know what life would've been like if you felt the same way I did. If I'd be any happier now, of if I'd miss you more than I already do.
I want to know how you feel now, in regards to me, then and now. I want to know why you did what you did.
If you read this, please tell me. I'm dying to know.

//Amelia

Ramble ramble bitch bitch ramble ramble pity pity sleep sleep sleep and don't forget the violence

I'm quite grumpy (every time I attempt to type 'grumpy', I end up typing 'frumpy') and tired but I'm having a relatively okay week. I had some really good days and some really bad days and a bunch of mediocre days and life was feeling mostly okay. I received a really nasty email from my bitch of a lacrosse coach yesterday but that has been dealt with (sort of) and I was back to mediocre. My life is kind of very boring and I don't post often and when I do, it's fairly dull but oh well. Life is life and that is that. I had a good day yesterday though. I hung out with Sam and I found a prom dress and I reunited with Pablo and it was good. (Sounds like the bible or something) But it was good. Unfortunately, today (Easter), was total shit. I woke up late feeling ill and wasted most of the day whining and not eating lovely candy like normal people do on Easter and now I'm home alone watching TV. I went out of my way to get a delicious Cadbury Creme Filled Egg only to find that basically every grocery store near my home did not have ANY. I nearly cried. Anyway, I'm feeling shit and tired and I've got nearly nothing done today so I'll try to do that I guess....
kbye.

//Amelia

Lovely times.

So I wrote this big long thing about how nice the last two days have been, despite the snow, and then Firefox crashed and now I have to start over and I want to go to bed :(

Basically Thursday was lovely because I didn't have to take my math test and I didn't have much to do and after my (crap) lacrosse practice, I came home to a new episode of 'Bones' and a package from Monica which included cookies, a letter, paper, and an origami panda...tasty. That and I did no homework and I went to bed at like 11. So nice.
Today was nice because yesterday was nice and I had a lot of soup. I had miso soup this morning in German and there was a really cool installation in a truck in the parking lot that I got to see and then I spent an hour talking about mythology which was nice. Went to Panda Express with Katie and Emma and we had multiple panic attacks while trying to get back to the parking lot because cars kept coming out and we were scared of getting caught but it was fun anyway and the food was delicious. And being the obese little girl that I am, I had clam chowder and apple juice before going to Shakespeare where I drew a monster in a bottle. I am bad at blogging. Bible was dull and I couldn't focus and so was Stats and I had to wait an hour for lacrosse practice and then my coach said I didn't even have to be there but then I went shopping with some friends for prom dresses even though I don't really want to go to prom and I look bad in dresses. Now here I am, sleepy as ever, and having a nice time of it. Also, my mythology teacher gave me a book that I'm very interested in. What a nice lady.

//Amelia

More whining

Haven't posted in a bit.
My bad.
I've been slipping backward.
All of the progress that I've made in the last 2.5 years is basically all wasted because I'm back to where I was at the beginning/middle of 10th grade...only now I can't focus.
I have two papers to write today (since it is now Sunday..ugh) and I have no idea what I am going to do for either of them. And a shit ton of reading is sitting on my bed/in my bag but I can't do it because I can't focus. I just kind of feel like the point of all of this is gone. I want high school to end now.
On the bright side, I got in to every college that I applied to. Unfortunately, my decision making skills are fail so I have no idea where I'm going. I've narrowed it down to three but that still makes me feel like a piece of meat that Cerberus is fighting over (mythology nerd is present)/.
Fuck, I'm tired.
What happens?
Life.
Cool.
Another thing making me sad is I can't write, even though I'm mad depressed. I haven't written any poems since last February at the latest and I keep trying but all of my words sound awkward and utter shit.
I'm done whining now.
I hope my video is finished processing.

//Amelia

Chivalry

Below are the lyrics to Chivalry by Thao Nguyen.
You can find her here: http://www.myspace.com/thaomusic
I have had this song stuck in my head for the last little while and aside from being a beautiful song, it has amazing lyrics which pretty much sum up how I'm feeling right now.

I could tell in the way,
He did not kiss back.
What's the use in painting faces?
You're never gonna find a shade to match.

Well yours is a common name,
And I hear it all the time.
Could belong to anyone,
It could never be mine.

I am tired,
I am through.
When I love I will love so hard,
Harder than I could love with you.

There's nothing in your eyes,
But slightly amused;
An offer of me you politely refused.
Is it that my heart beat too loud?
Is it that I did not bid it come down?
Your round about etiquette,
You hold the door but you won't let me in.

I am tired,
I am through.
When I love I will love so hard,
Harder than I could love with you,
Harder than I could love with you.

I won't make you flex emotion,
I won't make you come a little closer.
Do what you want,
Don't do it for me.
What's the use in chivalry?

I am tired,
I am through.
When I love I will love so hard,
Harder than I could love with you,
Harder than I could love with you.

I could tell in the way,
He did not kiss back.
I could tell in the way.

xx

//Amelia

Here Comes The Sun

Good news everyone (or all 0 of you who read this blog)!
I've had a good day.
It didn't start as a good day but it is.
I thought it was going to be awful because this morning started with Bible in Literature/Bible as Literature which is interesting but not all that fun, especially when you're like me and you have no idea about anything bible related at all.
So I felt like a tired idiot for an hour.
Then we watched The Manchurian Candidate in psychology. I've seen the first hour of it already so I guessed it was safe for me to sleep. I had happy dreams :)
Class meeting was boring and irritating but then I played music for an hour and went to lunch.
We had a senior lunch today which was good, not phenomenal but good, and then I went outside and played my ukulele on the quad. Today was beautiful and warm and sunny and it made me very happy and was nice. It is the first day that it has really felt like Spring and I cannot be happier...well, yes, I can but you know what I mean.
This is all very poorly phrased but I am tired and it is after school and my brain doesn't work and there is the beautiful voice of Kate Voegele (sp?) in my ear and it is making me feel very calm which is a massive change from yesterday where I was screaming and punching walls in anger.
Change is good.
I am now conversing with a lovely lady called Lex about the song I'm listening to now. In case you don't know, I am a Lexbian (not a typo, it means one who is subscribed to Lex) and I may be a bit of a fangirl..maybe...yeah.
Skype is a wonderful thing.

Anyway, I am going to pretend to be productive now, though I probably won't.

;;bye.
//Amelia

Whine whine whine

Okay hi.
Just so you know, this is going to be a very scattered me complaining about random nonsense....
So today is the first day in a while (almost a week) that I've woken up before 1 and now I remember why I don't wake up unless I absolutely have to. It is now 8:11 pm and my eyes hurt so badly, I feel like they are going to fall out of my face. Also, it turns out I woke up for nothing because I was supposed to go to therapy this morning but I got there and waited 20 minutes and she still hadn't come so I went home. However, being a dumbass, I didn't even think to pick up food on my way home so I was foodless. I ate a shit sandwich for lunch. And ice cream. Lovely. I'm so unhealthy. Today is also the first day I have left my house in three or something days.

I basically wasted my day watching random shit on TV. I didn't even play my ukuleles today. I played the piano for a bit though. I tried to record the piano part of Existentialism on Prom Night for my next cover but that ended up being utter shit.
Great.

GAP (Gilgamesh style)

After dinner now. I have the hiccups (sp?) way bad and it makes me so unhappy. It hurts my stomach. It's been crap. My eyes still hurt and now so does my stomach and I kind of want to stop this and go but at the same time I have nothing better to do. Sad.

On the bright side, there was a new episode of Bones today. Not sure how I feel about it. The show is kind of going to shit. Brennan spent next to no time in the lab and the ever changing interns are rather irritating. I miss Zack. I'm going to go back to watching the first three seasons compulsively like I have been since September.

Perhaps later.
//Amelia

Hello There...

Oh hello.
This is my first blog and I'm not quite sure what to do or how this works yet but I'll figure it out soon enough.
I suppose some introductions are in order. I'll go first.

Hi. My name is Amelia.
My favorite superhero is Wonder Woman.
I'm half-Japanese and I'm extremely proud of my heritage.
I fit the stereotype of your typical Asian: I'm a classically trained pianist, I'm excellent at math, and I'm terrible at driving.
I'm addicted to YouTube: http://youtube.com/amelioooo and Twitter: http://twitter.com/amelioooo
I play the ukulele (soprano and baritone) and the piano.
I am legally blind without my glasses.
I watch movies like it's my job. Sometimes it's all I do.
I love art: both creating and viewing it.
I have synesthesia. That means I see numbers as colors. It is excellent.
I adore Zooey Deschanel. She is beautiful and my favorite actress of all time. I even like her more than Marilyn Monroe. I have seen 30 movies/TV shows out of the listed 37 on IMDB. Also, she was named after a Salinger character. Excellent.
My favorite TV show is Bones. I watch at least one episode every day.
I LOVE to read. But I have a hard time finding books that capture my attention quickly enough.
Endings play an enormous role in how I think of things.
I have completed an installation (art) and it is one of the things that I am most proud of.

Any questions?

Perhaps when I figure out more of what to write, I will.
Until then.
//Amelia