Your body hurts me as the world hurts God.

SO.
Ignore the total and utter shitty nonsense of the last post (from like 5 min ago).
I forgot that I had something to say. How does that happen?
ANYWAY.
I was reading through Ariel by Sylvia Plath (published after her death by her douche bag ex husband, Ted Hughes) and I came across this poem in the "extra" section in the back:

My Mother by Frieda Hughes
They are killing her again,
She said she did it
One Year in every ten,
But they do it annually, or weekly,
Some do it daily,
Carrying her death around in their heads,
And practising it. She saves them
The trouble of their own;
They can die through her
Without ever making
The decision. My buried mother
Is dug up for repeat performances
Now they want to make a film
For anyone lacking the ability
To imagine the body, head in oven,
Orphaning children. Then
It can be rewound
So they can watch her die
Right from the beginning again.
The peanut eaters, entertained
At my mother's death, will go home,
Each carrying their memory of her,
Lifeless — a souvenir.
Maybe they'll buy the video
Watching someone on TV
Means all they have to do
Is press 'pause'
If they want to boil a kettle,
While my mother holds her breath on screen
To finish dying after tea.
The filmmakers have collected
The body parts.
They want me to see.
But they require dressings to cover the joins
And disguise the prosthetics
In their remake of my mother.
They want to use her poetry
As stitching and sutures
To give it credibility.
They think i should love it-
Having her back again, they think
I should give them my mother’s words
to fill the mouth of their monster,
Their Sylvia Suicide Doll.
Who will walk and talk
And die at will,
And die, and die
And forever be dying.

Needless to say, after that I was kind of like "let me pick my jaw up off of the floor and punch myself in the face for being one of those people that you are disgusted by" (The poem was written about the BBC making a film about Sylvia Plath called 'Sylvia' and the many people who idolize and remember Plath for her suicide and not her work)
After reading the poem though, like the horrible Plath obsessed girl that I am, I had a dreadful urge to watch 'Sylvia'. From the poem and from what I'd heard, I kind of knew the film wouldn't sit well with me, but I had to watch it.
So I watched it last night. It was the largest waste of two hours ever. It was inaccurate and at times completely wrong and as much as I enjoy Gweneth Paltrow, she's no Sylvia Plath. In the first hour of the film, everything that needed to happen before her suicide (Marrying Ted, attempting suicide, having children, getting published, etc.) had happened and the second hour of the film was spent showing how Ted Hughes cheated on her and later left her for one of his students. The film also made it seem like that was why Sylvia committed suicide. While I don't personally know Sylvia Plath, I am fairly certain from what I can get from her writing that that is not the sort of thing that she would kill herself over. It may have been what pushed her over the edge, but it is not the only reason she committed suicide. They also mixed some events from The Bell Jar in with the film but she wrote that before she met Hughes and her roommate was not living with her when she met Hughes. She didn't even kill herself right. I know that's an odd thing to say and I'm making myself sound even more like one of the people that Frieda Hughes talks about in her poem (But they do it annually, or weekly...The decision.) but Sylvia Plath stuck her head in the oven and turned on the gas. In the film, she closes off a room (tapes under the doors and closes the windows) and turns on the gas. Same concept, but not correct. The things that they did well was they showed how much she cared for her children (despite what Lesbos may suggest) and they accurately showed her closing off the room in which they were sleeping after preparing them butter and milk. They also detailed her suicide attempts relatively accurately. Little known fact: Ted Hughes's mistress and later second wife killed herself the same way that Sylvia Plath did (sticking her head in the oven) but she was careless and did not prepare the house for the event and the gas killed both her and her two year old daughter. How horrid. Ted Hughes is a bastard.
Anyway, I am ashamed of myself for watching that film and it was a large waste of time and pissed me off for two hours. But I am satisfied that I did not enjoy it (I would feel like SUCH a horrible person if I had) and I'm happier just reading the poetry and taking what I like from it.

Sorry if you read that entire thing and didn't like it...
I just had to get that out.

//Amelia

Sure, let's do that.

Oh hi blog that no one reads.
It's been a while.
News??
Sure, lets do that.
So I got back from New York yesterday at like one in the morning. I was in New York to see my lovely sister and to see Pratt (the college I'm attending). Basically, seeing the campus was the final (I keep wanting to say nail in the coffin but that usually means a bad thing) thing in making my decision. Awesome. My dad made a fool of us all and was himself for the majority of the trip. Now it's Wednesday and I'm ill and I'm tired and my nose is running all over the place and blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm still really bad at this blogging business. I read Hayley's blog (http://hayleyghoover.blogspot.com/) and I'm like "EFF I'M SHIT AT THIS BLOGGING BUSINESS"...yeah. Oh well. I think Spring is here to stay (I hope) and I have my second last lacrosse game tomorrow. Sad panda. On the bright side, I get to see Hailey and Traci and Ali and all of the Park City girls that I haven't seen in ages and it will be nice. And sunny. And nice.
I need a tissue.
I have recently eaten my weight in saltines and as you may know, saltines don't weigh very much which obviously means that I have eaten a lot because the last time I checked, I weigh like 6000000 pounds. Tasty.
Excuse me for a moment while I blow my nose.
OH! Just a clarification for those (the 0 of you who read this blog) who may be concerned, as far as I know, I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU. I got sick from my lovely sister.
Okay, now that that's out of the way, I'm going to go eat some soup, take some Nyquil, and go to BED.
I get to miss stats tomorrow morning.
G'NIGHT LOVELY PEOPLE.


//Amelia!

MMMMETAL and prom and such.

Hello there.
Drastic changes from last post.
I'm in an excellent mood. I normally hate Mondays, but today it's very sunny and nice out and I've rediscovered my love for metal which is always a bad thing but it makes me so happy sometimes hahahaha. It kind of got triggered by the most recent episode of 'Bones' cuz that episode was all about metal bands and such but then I was hanging out with Jes on Friday and she put on some Chimaira and there was no going back haha.
So, weekend?
I did Day of silence on Friday which was cool even though my German teacher was a bitch about it and then after my (SHITTY) lacrosse game, I went rock climbing with the goalie from the team we played which was really fun but frightening because I'm scared of heights and I'm in bad shape so I'm still sore. (I just stared at this girl for like 5 minutes because I couldn't see very well and I thought she was someone else...oops) Saturday was prom/queer prom and both of those were not exactly my first choice of what to be doing on a Saturday night. I got talked in to going to my school's prom because it's my senior prom and the sentimental girl in me wanted to go but when I got there I realized that I didn't really want much to do with most of the people there so I left after about 20 minutes and Sam and I went to queer prom but I only stayed for like 40 minutes and that consisted mostly of Pablo and I searching for Colton. And then I went back to Sam's house and ate crepes then slept til 1. Then on Sunday I lazed around until 3 and went and did Sam's radio show with him which was fun and then we drove around looking for Chinese food and finally settled on Sam Pan and then we went to Barnes & Noble and I got a book that I've been wanting to read for a while. Then I went home and got a bit depressed and I downloaded/dug up a bunch of metal and that made me happier and I rewatched 'Bones: Mayhem on a Cross' which was nice but then I stayed up until 4 writing a TERRIBLE paper about Measure For Measure which is so poorly written. I really hope I don't fail. Now it's Monday morning and I'm exhausted but kind of happy anyway because the sun is out. I wish I had brought my ukulele today so I could play outside but that's okay.
I just got approached by my dean about queer prom...I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a lesbian now cuz I did Day of Silence and then went to queer prom...great. Oh well. I'm graduating in 45 days. I can't wait. Off to read in the sun now :)

//Amelia

To Whom It May Concern...

Just a heads up, this may not make a lot of sense, but I need to get it out somehow. The person this is to probably won't read it anyway.

I loved you for a year, maybe more. All but a few months were unrequited. After you told me the truth, I told you I didn't love you anymore. That was all a lie.
I used to call or text you whenever you came to mind or whenever I needed you. I needed you because you made me feel special and important and necessary. I don't do that anymore even though so many things make me think of you.
It still hurts when you talk to me but I can't do anything about it because I want you to want to talk to me.
[This one is a secret, but maybe it'll show up somewhere else.]
You have made me so much of who I am today that I can't not think of you and it kills me.
I want to know what life would've been like if you felt the same way I did. If I'd be any happier now, of if I'd miss you more than I already do.
I want to know how you feel now, in regards to me, then and now. I want to know why you did what you did.
If you read this, please tell me. I'm dying to know.

//Amelia

Ramble ramble bitch bitch ramble ramble pity pity sleep sleep sleep and don't forget the violence

I'm quite grumpy (every time I attempt to type 'grumpy', I end up typing 'frumpy') and tired but I'm having a relatively okay week. I had some really good days and some really bad days and a bunch of mediocre days and life was feeling mostly okay. I received a really nasty email from my bitch of a lacrosse coach yesterday but that has been dealt with (sort of) and I was back to mediocre. My life is kind of very boring and I don't post often and when I do, it's fairly dull but oh well. Life is life and that is that. I had a good day yesterday though. I hung out with Sam and I found a prom dress and I reunited with Pablo and it was good. (Sounds like the bible or something) But it was good. Unfortunately, today (Easter), was total shit. I woke up late feeling ill and wasted most of the day whining and not eating lovely candy like normal people do on Easter and now I'm home alone watching TV. I went out of my way to get a delicious Cadbury Creme Filled Egg only to find that basically every grocery store near my home did not have ANY. I nearly cried. Anyway, I'm feeling shit and tired and I've got nearly nothing done today so I'll try to do that I guess....
kbye.

//Amelia

Lovely times.

So I wrote this big long thing about how nice the last two days have been, despite the snow, and then Firefox crashed and now I have to start over and I want to go to bed :(

Basically Thursday was lovely because I didn't have to take my math test and I didn't have much to do and after my (crap) lacrosse practice, I came home to a new episode of 'Bones' and a package from Monica which included cookies, a letter, paper, and an origami panda...tasty. That and I did no homework and I went to bed at like 11. So nice.
Today was nice because yesterday was nice and I had a lot of soup. I had miso soup this morning in German and there was a really cool installation in a truck in the parking lot that I got to see and then I spent an hour talking about mythology which was nice. Went to Panda Express with Katie and Emma and we had multiple panic attacks while trying to get back to the parking lot because cars kept coming out and we were scared of getting caught but it was fun anyway and the food was delicious. And being the obese little girl that I am, I had clam chowder and apple juice before going to Shakespeare where I drew a monster in a bottle. I am bad at blogging. Bible was dull and I couldn't focus and so was Stats and I had to wait an hour for lacrosse practice and then my coach said I didn't even have to be there but then I went shopping with some friends for prom dresses even though I don't really want to go to prom and I look bad in dresses. Now here I am, sleepy as ever, and having a nice time of it. Also, my mythology teacher gave me a book that I'm very interested in. What a nice lady.

//Amelia