Free verse

Something I just spit out at 3 am.
Tell me what you think?

What would I say if I told the truth?
What would they say?
What would you say?

It would change everything.
You. Me. How we interact.
That's a fact.

What would happen if I stopped lying?
If you heard what I think
If you saw how I feel

Maybe I'm cold and emotionless
Maybe I feel too much
Maybe I'm wrong

Maybe this face is the one you like best
The one that's most comfortable for you
The heaviest for me

Maybe my eyes don't twinkle anymore
My lips in parenthetical wrinkles won't move
Maybe I don't feel anything anymore

This is my life, it's all one big lie
There's not one ounce of truth
In this nightmare of mine

I'm awake in a dream
It gets progressively worse
And I'm dreaming again

I'm falling again
Trapped in a lucid prison
And I woke up without the key

It's a secret, you see
The way that I am, the things that I feel, the truth and the real
These things that I say mean nothing at all

Just the ramblings of nothing, nobody.
All the poets spout words, signifying nothing
Dripping in meaning that hasn't been found

They were somebody
Getting it all out but no one understands
We look for the truth

Finding ambiguity instead
Running lines through our heads
Getting frustrated by meaning that doesn't exist

Stripping the words bare and breaking the syllables
We do it to people too
Searching for an underlying meaning that doesn't exist

This is it
This is all we have
That is not what I meant at all.

Senior Trip

Senior trip was excellent.
One of the better three days of my life (I think).
Really, I'm so glad I went. All of my doubts and worries from my last post are entirely obliterated.
I think I was content/happy for most if not all of the three days and had no concept of time

The final tally:
3 days of excellence
2 days of water fights
2 nights of sleeping under the stars
1 EPIC mud fight
1 shooting star (my first)
1 Sparta kick (from Alex)
1 content Amelia
And countless amazing people

More happened but those were kind of the highlights.

It's kind of odd and lonely being all home and alone and clean and such.
Seeing people tonight and my sister comes home tomorrow!!!!

All in all I've had a wonderful week and I assume next week will be wonderful (and bittersweet) as well.
Off to watch Some Like It Hot and clean.

//A.

Senior Trip

So I'm leaving on senior trip today.

I don't know whether to be excited or full of dread because there are definitely some people that I do not want to see.

I'm also feeling more and more self conscious and disconnected from most of the people that I know and it worries me a bit. 

Hopefully I'll overcome whatever bullshit is bothering me and have fun, even though I currently appear to be a lobster.

In Kafka's words, "As Amelia Miyuki awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, she found herself transformed in her bed into a monstrous lobster."

LOL.

K off to shower and get on a bus full of people I feel uncertain about.

Wish me luck.

//A.

Finished?

I finished high school yesterday.
I can't believe it. I graduate in thirteen days. All I have to do is waste time until then.
I also can't decide if I'm happy or sad. I'm relieved for sure, but there's a lot that I'm going to miss.
This blog is going nowhere.
I'll write about Kafka sometime soon.

//A.

A question...

In 'Fever 103', Sylvia Plath says

"I am too pure for you or anyone.
Your body
Hurts me as the world hurts God."

Do you think the world hurts God???
Explain.


//A.

Mythology is great.

Hello.
I've kind of been neglecting this blog because of school. I've been trying to do work so I can pass and graduate and go to college.
As a result, I've been doing homework.
And when I haven't been doing homework, I've been watching movies and films (yes, there is a difference)
I've also made a few videos. Watch them: http://youtube.com/amelioooo
I'm at school now during a free period and I think I may go outside to read psychology because it's beautiful and sunny out and I would really like that...but I think the grass might be wet...tricky.
But yes.
I just barely took my Shakespeare and it wasn't awful but my essay was pretty much shit. I don't know when my German final is and then I have my psychology final on either Wednesday or Thursday and my Bible as Lit final on Thursday.
And then I'm done with school.
My stomach just got all happy feeling at that thought.

I'll write a better blog soon, probably about Kafka because he is amazing.
That is all, mythology is great.

Also, this basically sums up how I feel 99.99999999999999999999999999999...% of the time

//A.

Foxy foxy...

Hello.
Happy notsohappy Tuesday.
Most people who saw me yesterday/today know that I watched 'Transformers' for the first time recently and enjoyed it a lot.

Reasons why:
Lots of action and robots fighting
Megan Fox

Can haz girl crush?
Indeed.



She's not a very talented actress and we all know she's only cast because she's nice to look at but I mean really, who would object to that working on their car?
I'm sure everyone is sick of me talking about Megan Fox, I'm sick of talking about Megan Fox, but she's effing hot and there's really no stopping me once I've started. Sorry people, I'll try to refrain.
*I still like men and Zooey Deschanel. Just saying.

Anyway, I'm going to go watch The Notebook and sob and then go to bed.
Yeah.

//A.

Tulips//Movie v. Film.

Tulips
Sylvia Plath

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.
Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.
I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly
As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.
I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.

They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff
Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.
Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.
The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,
They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,
Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,
So it is impossible to tell how many there are.

My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water
Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.
They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep
Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage
My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,
My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;
Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.

I have let things slip, a thirty-year~old cargo boat
Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.
They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.
Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley
I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books
Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.
I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free -
The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,
And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.
It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them
Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.

The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.
Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe
Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.
Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.
They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down
Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,
A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.

Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.
The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me
Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,
And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow
Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,
And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself
The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.

Before they came the air was calm enough,
Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.
Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.
Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river
Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.
They concentrate my attention, that was happy
Playing and resting without committing itself.

The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.
The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;
They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,
And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes
Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.
The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,
And comes from a country far away as health.

I don't really want to go in to a huge analysis of the poem because I think that might ruin it.
To me it's a beautiful poem full of lovely and puzzling things.
Maybe they're not lovely to you but I think they are.
Maybe I'll watch Transformers or Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
One's a movie, the other is a film.
Today is boring, I don't have much else to say.

//

Art [05.10.09]

Larger image here.

13 hours of scratching. Probably at least another 13 before I'm done.

05.07.09. [Thursday]

Things I've Accomplished Today:
1. Woke up
2. Finished my German and psychology homework
3. Spent three hours in art
4. Finished the skull and started the ribcage (art project)
5. Got ink all over my fingers
6. Said smart things in psychology
7. Watched an episode of Bones
8. Had a cry
9. Had a nap
10. Had breakfast for dinner
11. Nearly vomited.

Now I'm off to miss Bones, watch a film, and go to bed.
I'll try to make a video soon.

No good, very bad day.

Today
wasn't
good.

Nothing huge, but little things went wrong making me upset and sad. So bible took for ever and Keli wasn't there so I was all alone in the back and it was not fun and then in psychology, we found out that for the past (and only) four tests that we've had, my group has done the group portion wrong so we're nearly failing and he didn't bother to tell us until today. We have one test left. Cool. Then I started feeling ill in the middle of the day and around the same time, I found out that my last lacrosse game wasn't actually rescheduled and was still today which meant that I would have to miss seeing Thao Nguyen's show tonight which I've been looking forward to for such a long time and it was sad. The rest of the day was mediocre and we had an interesting but irritating (mostly because of C. and T.) discussion about art during Shakespeare. Then we went to Park City for our game and we all played like shit which is not how I wanted my last game of lacrosse to be and I cried like three times during the game because I was so sad it was over and then I cried a bunch at the end because it was a shit game and it's the last one (I've cried for the last three games in a row because I was so sad it was ending). For those of you who don't know, I turned down like four college lacrosse offers to go to art school. So after tonight, no more lacrosse for Amelia. Sad panda. I cried the whole way down from PC to Sandy (for those of you who are not native to Utah, that's like a 35 min drive) and I found out that I missed Lex's BlogTV show (a rather minor detail but it just added to the heap of shit). Later, I went to Panda which helped a bit and then I listened to The Beatles with my windows down on the way home which helped a bit and my friend Madeleine who knew I was having a rough day sent me a very nice (and somewhat cliche, but it's so hard to be nice and not say something that could be cliche so I don't care because it was nice) text which made me cry because it was nice and now I'm home watching YouTube videos. Dr. Noise aka. Bill Martin just posted a new song that is REALLY great so you should go listen to it here.
I think I'm done whining now.
If you read this, leave me a comment.

//Amelia

Hotel 626//Thao//STATS

SO...
Second post today, what do you think???
This is what happens when I REALLY don't want to do stats...sort of.
So I was introduced to this online game called Hotel 626 (http://hotel626.com) and fuck me, it scares the shit out of me.
IF YOU PLAN TO PLAY IT, THIS IS THE LARGE ASS RUN ON SENTENCE WHERE I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS....IN OTHER WORDS, SPOILER ALERT!
Basically, there are like ten levels (some of them are just like videos of rooms or hallways) and you're in a creepy ass hotel and creepy shit happens like you have to take pictures of this girl in a bathroom type thing but it's all dark and every time you click the camera, it flashes and she screams and runs around and if you don't get a picture of her, you die and then you're thown down a stairwell or you have to sing the spawn of the devil (or just a creepy child, take your pick) to sleep and then you have to get out of the room without waking it up (nearly effing impossible) and then you're dragged down a hallway and you get stuck in a room with a crazy man and you have to decode some shit to get a code to get out of there and then you're in a room with pictures and you have to find your picture (there's a time limit) and then it asks for your phone number but you don't have to give it and then you get directions to escape and you do and you get to your car and you think you'll be okay and then something pops out of the back seat and kills you. Cool. I only beat like 3 levels. I'm not skilled. And it gave me fucking nightmares. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and thought I was in the dark bathroom thing with the creepy lady and I got really scared and had to turn on all of the lights and watch Dan In Real Life until I fell asleep. Not good times.

Like an idiot, I played it twice (once today, once yesterday). Fuck, I'm cool.
Anyway, now I'm paranoid and driving to my grandma's house was really scary cuz I thought the creepy thing was going to pop out and kill me from the back seat and now there's bad weather outside which sounds suspiciously like the noises that the game makes and I'm scared so I'm listening to Thao Nguyen (and the Get Down Stay Down) which is nice because I'm going to see her on Tuesday with Sam and so that will be lovely. If you're in the area and like good music, you should go. I'm excited. But I'm also not excited for Tuesday because that's the stats AP and I am nowhere near ready. Cool.

Also, tomorrow night is senior night for girls lacrosse (so Whitney, Meghan, and I) so if you go to my school, please come and support cuz no one comes to our games, even though we are finally starting to play like a team and I will probably cry. Cool.

This blog post has either mini half sentences or run on sentences. I'm actually kind of okay at grammar, I promise.
Until my next procrastination attempt,,,,,,,,
//Amelia

Do I dare to eat a peach?/I eat men like air.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
T. S. Eliot

Lady Lazarus
Sylvia Plath


To most people, these poems have little to nothing in common, save for the mention of Lazarus.
To me, they have everything. I had my first exposure to these poems (and the poets who wrote them) about a year ago and they have stuck with me thus far and show no sign of leaving. When I read The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot, I spent a good deal of last May and June obsessing over the poem, tasting the words over and over again, trying to understand them, and and although I still don't understand most of it, I love it more than is healthy. I realize now that this is why I love the poem so much. I love it because the words are beautiful, even though I don't understand them. Particularly the line "Do I dare to eat a peach?" because it makes no sense to me at all. It's beautiful, and delicious, but I do not understand it, and that is why it stays with me. Although Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath has also possessed me since I first read it, it is for an entirely different reason. I understand every word, I understand the point, and I have felt it. I love it for that and because the words feel right in my mouth and they have a haunting aftertaste once I've spit them out. I also love her use of the number three and the extremes that appear in every poem that she writes. While I understand the majority of the poem, I do not understand the last line, "I eat men like air." Unlike the Eliot poem, I have an intense desire to understand it. I do not know if it is because I have never read the story of Lazarus and do not understand the reference, or if it is just something where I'm more of an idiot than everyone else and I haven't thought of it yet, but it stays in the back of my mind until something calls it forward, bringing meaning and understanding with it. However, please please please do not tell me what it means.
I don't like to say things like this, but I think I may love The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock more than I love Lady Lazarus because there are so many Plath poems that I like as much or better than Lady Lazarus but I'm not sure. But now I have to go learn Stats by Tuesday.

In a nutshell, I love things that don't make sense...with the exception of Stats.
//Amelia